When our child misbehaves - throws a tantrum, talks back, shows aggression, refuses to do chores, or skips school - it can be incredibly frustrating. If you’re anything like me when my kids were little, you want to correct the behavior immediately, sometimes with swift consequences.
But too often, we focus only on the behavior itself. We take it personally, feeling offended by their words or actions, and our primary goal becomes stopping the behavior as quickly as possible. We put them on restriction, take away their favorite toy, or revoke screen time. While these consequences may temporarily stop the misbehavior, they don’t address the root cause of the behavior. We may win the power struggle, but we risk losing meaningful connection and an opportunity to help our children learn self-regulation.
Understanding Child Behavior: Behavior Is Communication
One of my favorite play therapists, Dr. Brenna Hicks, recently reminded listeners in a podcast that misbehavior is not a problem to be fixed, but a clue to what a child is feeling. Children don’t act out because they want to - they do it because they don’t yet have the skills to express their emotions in a healthy way.
Dr. Hicks encourages parents to pause and reflect on what emotions are driving their child’s behavior rather than reacting impulsively. By recognizing and validating their emotions, parents can help children regulate themselves rather than simply controlling their actions through punishment.
A Step-by-Step Approach to Managing Behavior
Dr. Hicks outlines a simple approach to understanding child behavior and guiding kids toward better emotional regulation:
Reflect their emotions – Acknowledge what your child is feeling. (“I see that you’re really frustrated right now.”)
Give them choices – Offer age-appropriate options to help them feel a sense of control. (“Would you like to take a break in your room or sit with me for a minute?”)
Set clear limits – Gently reinforce boundaries while still validating their feelings. (“It’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to hit.”)
Avoid power struggles – Rather than engaging in conflict, guide them toward self-regulation with empathy and patience.
This approach not only helps reduce tantrums, aggression, and resistance, but it also strengthens parent-child relationships, creating a sense of trust and security.
A Parenting Resource for Raising Emotionally Healthy Kids
If you want more practical strategies for understanding child behavior and reducing power struggles, I highly recommend checking out Dr. Hicks’ new parenting podcast series, “Raising Kids Who Self-Regulate: A New Parenting Series.”
This series, launched in January, provides valuable tools for parents to:
✔️ Curb tantrums, aggression, and defiance
✔️ Build stronger connections with their children
✔️ Teach emotional regulation in a healthy way
By shifting our perspective and responding with connection rather than control, we can help our children develop the tools they need to manage their emotions and navigate challenges in a positive way.